I often watch other siblings with ... yearning. I wonder what it's like to feel unconditional love, trust, friendship and support of ones' siblings. I am the youngest of four girls. My mother made sure we each had the same initials...and it seems that's all we have in common. I love them because we share the same parents. But, I know in my heart that when those commonalities no longer walk the earth we will cease to have reasons to come together.I want to and have tried to develop real and closer bonds with my siblings. But, I know that in order to live a full life of my own I need to distance myself from my siblings. We shared a painful up bringing as my parents clashed in their philosophies & parenting styles. My sisters are holding onto that pain, holding onto those terrible mistakes as if to punish my parents for their immature parenting -or- maybe my siblings are simply holding onto the familiar feeling of pain. I know that by holding onto such painful pasts -- I will hurt myself even more deeply than the past ever did.
My parents did the best they knew how considering they had four strong willed girls by the time they were 29. My parents didn't know who they were as individuals, nor as a couple, let alone how the hayl to raise four girls with such strong personalities. They clothed, fed & housed us while ensuring that we were educated and even had some cultural experiences. What more can immature parents do? It was the hand we were dealt -- all of us.
Now, that I am a mature adult I have forgiven my parents and I tell them that, often. I am thankful that my parents are still above ground so that I can make peace with them. I know that being the youngest I did not suffer the brunt of my parents' immaturity, so I pray for my siblings. Please pray with me as I pray that my siblings grow past the pain. I pray that my siblings forgive our parents while they walk this earth. It has been my observation that if adult children do not make peace with their parents while living, the child suffers great remorse after the parents pass on. I pray that my siblings allow love and forgiveness to flow into those terror filled crevices in their hearts which hold onto the difficulties of our past. I pray that my siblings grow to forgive and love themselves. Sometimes, when we are hurt very young we hurt others and ourselves because it gives us a sense of power. Let it go ... we no longer need to hurt others nor ourselves simply to prove we're in control. Let it go & Let God restore and heal us. Please dear Sisters CAP ... Let Go & Let God. I have ... because my life depends on it.
*click image for source.
16 hugz::
Forgiveness is hard to do, and for whatever reason your sisters are harboring a lot of hurt. Have your parents ever made amends with you girls? Did they ever apologize? Since you seem to be the more mature one, maybe it has to be you to lead them to the light. Have you spoken as candid with them as you have in this post? Your choice of words were direct and loving and maybe that's what they need to hear. But at the end of the day, no one can make them forgive but them. Show them how to forgive thru your actions. First step, reach out to them, love them, forgive them. Continue to pray as I will do the same.
CAP my sistah, this post was amazing. The raw emotion in your words and the obvious and heartfelt wish for your sisters to awaken to the reality of their situation and make amends while they still can is palpable. I can both imagine the pain of this situation and feel your actual pain and thus, I pray for you as well as your sisters and parents to one day feel the joy of true family bonds and commitment.
great post!
at the end of the day, the only thing that we have is our family. friends can sometimes come and go. family is family. we may not like em. but they are still our family.
1st - thanx for all the luv & feedback on this one.
Tia - Sis, all I can do now is live my dreams and pray that my example helps.
Sharon - honestly, i'm more focused on healing & making amends with self & my Lawd!
12kyle - not sure if i agree with ya, but i'll take your word for it;-)
Thats good. As long as you have no regrets, and you are satisfied with who you are and how you deal then bump the rest. Do you.
Wow. You and I have this in common. Although I had a pretty decent upbringing my brothers and I have nothing in common. The only thing holding us together is my mother and once she's no longer here, we will have no real reason to communicate. I will move away and that will be the end of that. Pretty sad because I wish we could be closer but that will not happen. We are cool but there is no real depth there if that makes any sense.
I said some prayers for all of you and it seems that you have done all that you can. Hopefully they will forgive and you can all become closer one day. The sister bond is such a mysterious thing to me.
I have one brother and have always thought it would be cool to have a sister. Then again, I see that sisters don't always get along and I know that I have a pie in the sky view of a perfect sister relationship.
Tia - Sis, my life is too short for regrets. I can only make decisions for my own life, ya know? Doing ME is all I know how;-).
Diva - Gurlll, it makes PERFECT sense to me!
Anali - yea, I used to want to be an only -or- be part of a HUGE family so i'd have more options. Ha Haaaa! We all gotta figure out how to make the best of the hand we're dealt, I've discovered;-).
I can relate except my mom's siblings and her are like that. 5 of them and they don't communicate with each other. 4 are in state and one on the west coast. My first cousins and I have started fam get-togethers. Ironically, I had an e-conversation with two of them saying our fam is what is and to embrace the good of us. I said we have our issues and we are blessed we don't have the dysfunctions others do.
I hear that, Shai.
I am going to come at this a little differently. I appreciate family I really do. I have a Sister...SisterLo in NJ and 2 Brothers here in CT. As you know we had a terrorist for a father. We have all been scarred and wounded...I think my wounds being the deepest. We have all made our peace with the terrorist. Not necesarily forgiveness. But a sense of moving forward with less weight of the past.
Now as the mother of children that I adopted, I know that family can be built. Love is not limitted to blood or by blood. You can build the family you need and want right now. Yes, having a close bond with blood siblings maybe desirable. But I know that everyone has to heal on their own. And we have to allow folks to let go of us and we let go of them. Letting go doesn't stop the love. It just halts the intimacy.
You want Sisters? You got Sisters! You want Brothers you got Brothers!
You are an amazing woman with a clear head and kind spirit and big heart! You feel like my Sister. I feel like your Sister. We are definitely family.
After what lovebabz said, could you ask for anything more? Love at it's finest, chosen family.
Wooowww, Thanx Sistahs LoveBabz & Tia - sadly our mom was our terrorist (&i'm not just saying that to echo u, LB - i love my mom - but sistah's got DEEP issues)... I am learning that I CAN choose my family and am SO thankful for that!
Good stuff!
Oh and btw, tag you're it. Check my latest blog post for details.
i agree. the family u choose is sometimes more loving than the family u are given. but ultimately u can choose to get to know and even better love the family u are given, so its possible to choose, even when it might seem u've been forced to have them.
What a great post Cap!
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